Mercs in the Woods

(tune: "Divine Irregularity")

Come listen Lords and Ladies as this story shall unfold
Of mercenary warriors, who fought for fame and gold
Now, they were very famous, for they were much too bold
They always died in glory and they always made much gold

Now Ivan [Evahn] of the Shield led this mercenary team
He led them into battle and he planned out every scheme
And Theodore the Tiny, well, he was the shield wall
At four feet wide and three feet deep, and over six feet tall.

Then there was Lady Swiftblade, who was known both far and near
She'd take out sixteen enemies, then take them out for beer
Adric of the Yellow was the spearman of the crew
He'd vault himself into the foe and hack and slash and hew.

At Pennsic they were hired by a Middle Kingdom lord
To be the first line of defense against the Eastern horde
Their payment was in silver coins and well-fermented wine
With a bonus from the baron if they broke apart the line.

The battle morning dawned upon a forest dry and bare
As Ivan gathered all his group and went out to prepare
They placed themselves upon the line, their spirits all were high
And when the marshal signaled them, they screamed their battle cry

Now Adric started matters off and jumped the enemy line
He leapt across six fighters, and knocked down the two behind
When Theodore came charging in to join in the melee
He tripped across an Easterner and fell into a tree

Unfortunately for the fight, this tree was occupied
And startled by the impact, all the critters ran outside
Ivan and Lady Swiftblade had been right behind the shield
And ran into the fam'ly before they could think to yield

The little ones turned right around and ran back in their hole
And mom and dad they turned around as if they too would go
But as their tails were going up, our heroes finally saw
The lovely ivory stripes upon the backs of ma and paw

The skunks let loose with all they had, at Ivan's lucky team
And fortunately Swiftblade turned her head before she screamed
She and Ivan were defeated by their foes' unerring spray
And Theodore the Tiny... had his shield the other way

Now as the victors waddled home, a breeze began to blow
And so the scent was carried to the fighters, friend and foe.
The armies of both sides turned as one and ran away
And so for that day's battle, Nature's forces won the day.

Ivan led the group to camp to claim their fighting fee
The baron had left boxes and a sign for them to see
The sign read: "Here's the silver and the mead I promised you.
And as an extra bonus, here's a case of strong shampoo."

The moral here is plain to tell: beware of hollow trees
Be careful where you're aiming, don't disturb the skunks and bees
And Pennsic is not just between the East and Middle kings
When Mother Nature joins the fun, 'tis she who always wins!