Convention Life

(tune: "Army Life")

Chorus: Oh, I can't take no more convention life!
Gee, Ma, I wanna go home!

The lifts at conventions
They say are mighty fine
The ones that aren't just broken
Are loaded every time.

The roommates at conventions
They say are mighty cool
I took one of her cookies
and she dumped me in the pool!

The soda in the hotels
They say is pretty Cheap
I bought one can of Pepsi
And made it last a week

The filking at conventions
They say goes on all night
But only 'cause the filkers
Can put up quite a fight!

The crowding at conventions
They say is just not true
But we have six in one room
And three more in the loo!

The vid rooms at conventions
They swear will run on time
I was in my place at seven
It began at half-past nine.

The con suite at conventions
They say has lots of food
It opens up at ten a.m.
And is emptied before noon!

The videos they show there
Are promised to be good
But I've seen clearer pictures
With goggles and a hood!

The schedules at conventions
All make me want to weep
With filks and parties all night long
When will I get some sleep?

The panels at conventions
All promise to be new
But thirty-six on Avon
Make me like Tarrant, too!

The mundanes at conventions
They say are quite a pain
But it's such fun to act so weird
And drive them all insane.

The people in the concom
Seem calm and organized
By the time the weekend's over
Their brains have all been fried!

The hotels for conventions
Say they're the best of all
We're always out of towels
and the maids avoid our hall.

The ice machines at these cons
They say are mighty fine
The only ones with any ice
Are on floor twenty-nine!

The parties at conventions
They say go all night long
But I can't really tell ya
'Cause I pass out before dawn.

The guests for these conventions
Are not too hard to find
We flatter them and pay their way
And they don't seem to mind!

The convention now is over
And a lovely time it's been
What's that? I'm on the concom?
You mean we're doing this again?!

Oh, I can't take no more convention life!
Gee, Ma, I wanna go
Tell them to let me go!
I've really gotta go home!