The Captain's Lament

(tune: "My Favorite Things")

Know-it-all androids with evil twin brothers
Smart-aleck ensigns with doctors as mothers
My blind engineer can see better than you
Why did I have to get stuck with this crew?

Klingons on prune juice whose parents are human
Betazoids reading each thought as it's bloomin'
My Number One thinks he is a Boy Scout
Stop this ship, someone; I want to get out!

Mysterious barkeeps who always wear strange hats
An obnoxious immortal who's trying to drive me bats
Lovestruck Ferengi who never play fair
Do you really wonder why I have no hair!?

Romulans and Cyberborgs;
We meet with dangers, true
But how come, no matter how violent our foe is
I never can lose my crew?!